I never give to pan handlers but about a week ago I was approached by a black man who asked my girlfriend and I “Hey, are you afraid of black people?” I chuckled and said “Um…no.” Then he went into a story about how his pregnant wife was stuck in his car and it had just ran out of gas, two warning flags in my book. He told me he was a contractor and his hungry wife ate through all their money. He showed me his license to prove who he was. But strangely, he wasn't asking for money. He just needed the car pushed to the nearest gas station. So we generally agreed that we could probably offer some help.
We asked where his car was parked and he said “It's down by the BP station,” which meant we would have to push the car more than a mile to the next gas station. I asked why he couldn't just push it into the BP but he said “That one don't have no diesel.” It sounded suspicious but I didn't know. Are there gas stations that DON'T have diesel? If so, what's the ratio.
The more he kept talking the more he started confusing the issue. It was 8 o'clock at night and he said he had just got done with his contracting. He never said who he was working for. He told us that he only had $4. He said he went to the closest gas station to get a special gas can specifically for diesel (is there a special diesel gas can?) and that to buy it cost $80 or you could rent it for $12, but you wouldn't get your money back for several days because they had to mail it out to you.
So I told him I could go and rent the gas can for him, get a gallon of gas and go fill up the tank. I was feeling generous and despite the increasingly bizarre story I thought to myself “Well, if I get this stuff for him he can't use the money for something else.” But then he said that he had already checked on the gas can; it was being lent to somebody else and it wouldn't be back for a half an hour. He didn't want us to have to wait at that scary gas station because of the scary black people there. So he finally asked us for the money, telling us that he would wait for the can, fill up, and then mail the money back to us, double even, as soon as he got home.
Now at this point I realized that the wool had been pulled over my eyes and this guy was a tricksy liar but I had already invested time into the story, his dubious “friendship”, if you will, and admitted that I had money to help him.
So I gave him a dollar because I felt like I had to. I knew he was lying but I felt like I had to live up to my end of the bargain to show that this lying scumball I am honest and good and that I don't hate black people. As if he cared at that point. After I gave him the dollar he pressed the issue asking for the rest! Instead my girlfriend and I gave him other ideas (“You have four dollars. That's enough for you and your wife to take the bus.”).
Why didn't I just say, “Dude, you're lying. That's not fair to me. I'm not giving you anything.”
I received a call at work a few days ago telling me about this AMAZING NEW PROGRAM called Zipadee…er…Zipidee…er…Zipadi a product that lets you convert your magazine to the web. Since we have two skilled programmers and an excellent designer (if I do say so myself) this is a product that we really don't need. But when pressed as to whether I needed the program or wanted to check it out I couldn't say no to the guy. He wanted me to download their trial version and then get back to me for feedback. I didn't want any part of it but I gave him my e–mail address anyway.
Why couldn't I just say, “I don't think this product is for us.”
I received a phone call from the Muscular Distrophy Association. They started the call by saying that I was chosen because I am an “excellent member of the community” and that I was to be pretend arrested, carted off in a pretend police car (a limo) and put in pretend jail for a “networking opportunity.” I could get out if I posted bail by getting friends and co–workers to donate to the MDA. Then they asked which I would prefer, morning or afternoon.
I told them that I would prefer to think about it first and they countered with “Well, generally speaking, morning or afternoon?” I replied, “Morning, I guess.” “We'll put you down for 11:00, then.” Ugh. Then they asked if they could have my cell phone (several times) and asked (several times) if I wanted to arrest any of my friends. When I said no they said I could be put in “Witness Protection” and my name wouldn't be revealed.
They flirted with me, they spun it as if it would be useful to me (networking opportunity), they talked about “the children,” they forced me into choosing a time, they badgered me to give them more personal information than I'd like, the asked for contact information to spam those closest to me, and they never once gave me the option of saying “No.”
Wondering who nominated me I sent a message to a co–worker who was in the middle of the exact same call. I wasn't chosen because I was an excellent member of the community. I was chosen because it was a strategic move, because we were members of the media.
But why couldn't I just say “Sorry, I don't like the way you're pressuring me into this. Please take me off your list as I have more preferred non–profits to which I donate.”
Why can't I just say no to these hostile tactics. I've laughed at friends who were conned into buying bibles in foreign languages yet here I am getting tricked myself. I should have asked for options not presented to me. I should have hung up the phone. I mean, I've tried cold calling people before; it was extremely stressful and I was awful at it. Getting the hang up just made the job worse. I don't want to shoot the messenger, but at the same time it's frustrating, annoying and unfair.
So now I'm gathering my resolve to call out this bullshit when I see it and actually say NO to these pressure tactics. If you're disrespecting me I won't hesitate to call your bluff. If your product is good enough you'll stand on your own without the need to harass me to try it. If your charity is worthy enough, people will want to give…not feel like they're forced to.
So instead of getting arrested for a random charity I'm going to choose to support the charity of my choice. SOIL is a non profit working out of Haiti. Haiti is one of the poorest countries on our side of the world. SOIL turn human waste into usable fertilizer. They say “We believe that the path to sustainability is through transformation, of both disempowered people and discarded materials, turning apathy into empowerment and pollution into valuable resources.” If anybody else would like to donate, please leave a comment, send me a message, or send a donation yourself. I was trying to think of a good reason WHY you should donate (Donate as a way of showing you can say no, donate because the holidays are coming up, donate so we can show how awesome Milwaukee is) but I would much rather you donate because you can, because you want to, and because you believe in the cause. No gimmicks attached.
Do you have a story about being embarrassingly conned?
I get approached by panhandlers in my employer’s neighborhood several times a month. It’s a natural part of daily existence there.
The key is to be able to say “no” and feel okay doing so. Really, no one can judge you because it is your choice. It always has been.
I have learned that whenever I make a request of anyone for anything, I must be prepared for a “no” response and be completely okay with it. No matter how “reasonable” I think my request is.
Having said that, I’m totally cool with saying “no” to someone else.
— ha1ku · 2009-10-13 17:37 · #